— now —

hinges upon a meaning broken as if on the verge of the utter beginning ending what i see in passing advances far into the coming of now and thunderstruck i breathe out in verisimilitude of awe though nowhere spoke high enough to escape the ascent of night as streams of light reach brilliant a notion why lipped down a pen and i can’t believe it 6/17/06

oblivion open for business too many people saw the signs, who lied within myself i found lost utterances the child said to no one like all hauntings, desiring exit outside strange starry wanderinglike apropos winds of the clock, around and around signifying so heavily it all can’t fly a depth zero, infinite dreams that couldn’t be built in time the shrapnel of creation wounds we have always denied hurt until we felt around for that final switch we didn’t have the heart 6/19/06

undervalued pinnacles standing structurally unsound like piano high notes breaches of heaven, cutting into veins blood sky was not fulfillment world did not end with the coming of the storms quiet now bad dreams only seem pain can be forgotten, harder joys upside-down still joys inside out makes it mean back to now where could you have gone strangely comfortable in the absence of time flight, the moment fuel fueling fools fooling just another one here proficiently skeptical as if nothing 6/28/06

darkness in the face of light the world turns on the news forgets the idea; seize the show these fleeting, incomplete senses all that uncollected life randomly forgets randomly remembers little things that spoke to us through the wall thrown against the back of action we knew how when we knew nothing what was it we had when we lived, knew why because it was unasked through imagination flew and understood what it was without knowing because it’s too much to keep all of it in pretty color coded values now in the surrounding inner spaces wires did we mean to carry all the things we found in reflection throughput hearts and electricity even love picked up on radar but even lightning is corruptible a fall from heaven, eternity into time though in one hour the sky dark with sins the mote in That eye huge asked why, why, even if he knew i am what i am, tell them because the news is still happening that one hour death misunderstood darkness in the face of light 7/1/06

i exhale fire from where my heart is forged the iron and irony are surprisingly fragile though sometimes impenetrable, like some looks wondering where i lost the time how many times did i ever love, as i approaches death a slow trip, to be sure, looking back or did i already turn into a pillar of salt messy collisions, supernormal ordinarinesses wonder have i ever understood more than pretending what that so infinitely simple means or is no one contrary to the incomprehensibility when we all know exactly what no one does for to look out from these eyes is the only way believing without realizing, seeing what we cannot explain when touched for to look out from these eyes is so very alone night when the sparks fly, anywhere but here whose hand it is i cannot say, hammering forging a thing so precious and forgettable and i inhale the darkness like drinking soup somehow to bang it into light, the fire i wonder how i could have, how i would have, if if she had only said yes without telling me and i understood without letting me in on it 7/9/06

(i hear a call, like out in the distance that vanished before it was there) i have imagined lesser things lonely, the moon sang a song no one would ever hear, maybe you know it? for i draw things out of nowhere, but i knew them personally there’s nothing here if you look close enough and i dipped my pen in space to write about the stars nothing you can do if you try hard enough because you have heard it said, but you don’t remember… why (all i can do is hesitate to believe) cannot now separate the dream from the darkness, the light unforgiving though love, as if it had a heart yours, to pick yourself up out of the dust to dust somewhere you are helped by forces you don’t pretend to understand, or? or did i wonder correctly about your dreaming? shake off the solitude as far back as you can remember, until not (i did hear you correctly, you know who you are) 7/14/06

all you see are ghosts when you go that fast like wildfire in one sweeping hand, in some huge magic trick that went wrong this is different how it might be that i came to the point here, where you begin, as far as the eye can see or i blinked, and it’s 5am breathless awake five years later it was like it happened yesterday i hope i never catch my breath, for i fear that i would never let it go death made accidents like that you never saw it coming, and suddenly nothing has happened in centuries not like that i think, so i consider myself a luxury running to catch up to yourself where did you go to find yourself so lost? nowhere everywhere? everything in motion, therefore i am but there you were, kicking yourself for seeing the point traveler who crawled there you caught wind of something just now, eons of it don’t forget to write as you go and consider that destiny only gave you bullet points they’re all real, even if they fade away nothing came by chance even the best things had to happen 7/26/06

doom came in a steady voice thunder stood in its boots and lost its place in the scheme of things the rain stopped out of shock day and night scrambled over each other, making excuses to leave work stopped on the twilight dawn peeked out of the mountains, whistling as if past a graveyard what was said cannot be said what was meant we could not fathom anything could ever mean not again, once to happen, all not to be believed, what was before our very eyes, seven skies falling darkness spilled like blood we were naked before the whole of creation, the eyes of all knowing the voice, saying simple things you, i know; and you i do not; heaven and earth fled from that face 7/28/06

as if i’d gotten somewhere my mind, swimming like against the tide (the whole time, dreaming like the moon) i saw her, and evaporated awakened from some ancient wondering nonexistent but when she looked to say how i instantaneously believed all those existential interruptions of this life, beginning like it was real quests, how meaningless myself, finding of which unnecessary did i ever think some other way than this? as if i’d gotten somewhere my mind, swimming like against the tide (the whole time, dreaming like the moon) i saw her, and evaporated 8/13/06

the full brunt of dreaming plunges us into the unconscious fire and whispers guide us into the world soul deep driven into the core of wondering we hold on the fortresses of will forget us, and we mix the inky destiny who lifts their wisdom away, opening to starlight? who desires so simply that the world is his? undefined like the primordial chaos, i am this poem nowhere that i have decided i am not, breathing nightfall finding what was lost by forgetting i am, i am coming to the beginning like everything is ending the dreaming dips us in, satisfied to forever seek we come upon ourselves in the sleep, thinking only of dawn like into the depths of light, like doom to all darkness do we understand only things we fear to lose? do we dream only so that light can take form? i climb forever up the rains of heaven, written somewhere a fleeting thought, a song, a misremembered parable i flow into the form of this quickening prophecy remembering who we are, the world becoming nigh careful not to break the metaphor of forever 8/21/06

in a soft voice, we speak aloud what we believe we think no one hears us, and we speak as though to a friend the world passes by like nothing happened the day goes to sleep and night stares at us blankly there are no secrets if no one will care mirrors have no memory of what we wanted to be we ourselves forget that we had such words, that needed to be said words that in our saying, proved that we existed now, that time has moved us on to other places we remember some things, and no one is the wiser we know some things no one possibly would understand we spoke of what it means to be alive if the forgetting remembered, the reasons would be plain how we understood so much, and did so little because this is just a dream, and we never did say those things and the world passes by like nothing happened because for all this dreaming, nothing did 9/2/06

i remember when my mind gave way like a beam of certainty split in two my mind, seized by a lying prophecy to see the mad beauty in the random splotches my heart never knows what it longs for some incomprehensible sanity what was it? what was it? who are you, really? that nothingness beyond, so palpable i came upon myself in dreaming, in back i mistook myself for a dreamer deathlike stare as if he knew something knew nothing, intimately, thought so why did you think you rose so high? even the dust was above you you, the mirror says, you: yes, you i thought you gave a damn 10/17/06

“the death of magic” embittered by the reward we gave up so much to achieve, it tasted thus, not so sweet desiring from the chaos of the words that they coalesce into some mystic meaning the rhythms move us, and no one will question why, no one will hold anything back having been alive for thousands of years, but having only been awake for five minutes we are smaller than some of the sadnesses that will not let us go, as we try to forget that which burns in us gathers all its voices, then loses sound in the wondering of itself what precious perversion keeps us in doing what is right, facilitates the murdering? the utter frustration: we want to be heard so badly because we have nothing to say shook loose from the heavens in an accidental finality, the dream of all that was lost we desired rightly, then lost ourselves in search, stranded in the ocean of ourselves coming around to the beginning of nothing, ending in twitching, arbitrary abruptness it makes sense of it all: we were awakened in the middle of a perpetual dying, a flash we turn around in place, and the whole scenery changes when we get back into place indeed we did it to ourselves, all the tomorrows we made from this unmade today the holler lost in the howl of time blowing by, an unknown smile in the distant past 11/3/06

1.        my dreams drink from the endless stream of whispers flowing from the milky starlight night has spilled from her dark breast i hear the liquid darkness pools where dip the roots of all knowledge (all waters reflect infinity, however much they resemble your face) the darkness shall evaporate from the shoulder of dawn like a soldier over a hill, another day will rise and subside my whisper drops into eternity, to be dreamed by someone else 11/7/06

there is wind that flies in the face of time we never to grasp what fire will not concede the waters were closer to us than the womb the earth shall never house our souls imagine then that wind returns to breathe fire burned by our own, fiercest longing the waters slip out of our wondering the earth is soft and knows how to break there is wind that brushes against the stars we never to believe what fire did not test the waters were farther from us than the past the earth shall always understand us imagine then that the wind withers here fire consumed by our constant desires the waters collect but do not believe us the earth is hard and knows how to stop 12/4/06

2.         a hush of awe at the unspeakable fire, my outer senses are ablaze, still within me untouchable is my smallest soul, far and away the closest thing there is purpose here that scavenges below dawn, taller than known space (i have seen such a light as to wither all darkness in singlest epiphany) my mind stretches past the starlight depths in the contemplation of night and there is a flicker of remembrance above the heights of all wind i suddenly breathe, like an angel blinked into existence out of nothing (i have been haunted by that dream, you know the one, where you...) for i am nowhere but in the presence of that which burns me into being i am inside a perception of the impossible, and see myself believing now, as time stands on edge: hearken to the silent call of light: let go 12/14/06

3.    “transience” how memory descends into the unknown depths, into fathomless reaches the shadow of my true self sifts through me, disintegrating into dusts of light i become as ghostly as the hush inhaled before the sky explodes in rain desiring here where moonbeams bloom to ignite some new stars, up, up and the clouds gather murderously grim tonight, drifting like dark thoughts (we wait in anticipation of apocalyptic cataclysm, or to become blind with joy) time wanders on, changes wind and altitude, solemn as a candle, then holds the dalliance of dawn’s first pale reaches shall color the world in minor keys we wake from the dreaming numb and erased, tasting palimpsests of motion moments dip into wondering and leave traces behind to collect as aromas and nothing shall remain of us but the memory of footsteps, walking away 12/31/06

4.          interwoven light and darkness, moonlight mixed with mud stormwind will know how fractures the stainless glow behind the clouds lightning in the distance: the sky cracked open to expose the electricity here, where the world ends every hour on the hour, i wait the fabric unravels, and the shimmering pours out in a million threads the shadow slips between the pages of forgetting, and never was this trail out of the collective mind bears footprints tears could not erase what comes this way has no name, and no one will ever speak of it the dragon in the sky whirls the tempest and is pure sound thrashing all paths break; somewhere a hand pockets a sliver of sunlight i open my eyes, and no one can see me but the angels, everywhere 1/12/07

5.   “figures” the numbers do not care we could be saving lives, we could be killing them all they only stare back as hollow figurines blind to what they themselves say some will strain to find the meaning in you we dare not ignore you, not when you speak for yourself nor hide what you show 1/8/09

6.    “run, run” i have fled from the dark wood lost of all my senses starving into the torrent of the city strangers who ignore my nakedness dripping from nightmare insensible brought to my knees let me not have run, run in vain 5/10/09

7.         how the heart yet presents itself to itself not wanting anything that life has for me then desiring desperately for immortality in the commons of the housing of “to be” the different shapes hammered into place the smell of fresh decay no one admits to we have all thought it one time or another changing the subject, no one is watching remembering things like everyone sees i have nothing but this moment right now time has always been an illusion, vanishing so is everything i do like a temporary fix just one more time and i swear that’ll be it how the heart yet presents itself to itself 6/13/09

8.         i love you like spring knows the secret of each rose’s unfolding intricate and simple, a dreamlike certainty i am within you in a place you understand, where you have forgotten the bare metal inside my bones can feel you i love you like a fire that escapes the breath of time, and flies the center of a rose whose bloom unfolds forever and in the memory of a hand that remembers its shape in my own 7/19/09

9.    “the luxury of fiction” the words have lost the luxury of fiction have become hard to justify they slip off the page into darkness darkness that does not sleep the echo is muffled by all the distances nothing to report but silence the dream of which, too smooth to grasp bled into the morning coffee and time, all too high to understand beginning again at every blink is spelling death in the corner of the eye 10/7/09

10.         you are a moonlit pearl and alone, a treasure i dreamed you are alone and a brave idea that love once imagined you are brave and worthy of the eyes that capture you you are a worthy wine that sparkles from a light within you are a sparkle and a wink of the star that watches us you are a wink and kiss in a memory that flirts with me you are the kiss of a moonlit pearl, then night vanishes 10/26/09

11.         i have a vial of shadows caught from twilight’s edge to pour upon a dream and give it weight in the waking i reached the corner of the wind and wired it to the light quietly to change the world 11/20/09